on having friends in the 21st century

The thing about life is that not everyone wants to show you their human side. They don’t want to talk to you about their hopes and fears and about what it feels like to be whoever they are when no one is watching. Instead, they surround themselves with beautiful people. People who make them forget what it feels like to be alone. And if those people want to be around them, it makes them feel like they’re worth a little bit more. Maybe they decide they want to be around you, because you add to their external ambiance. They invite you to parties so they can point to you from across the room and tell people, “see that girl, she’s mine…” And that works for you for awhile. Makes you feel good, that someone thinks enough of you to show you off. But you never really feel safe. Because you’re just a shiny new toy. Always kept at arms length. Maybe some friends are just meant to have fun together. For me, that has never been enough. It’s nothing more more than a political alliance. Always leaving me feeling empty and alone. Sometimes I wish that I could be so vain. Perhaps it would be easier if I could learn to build bridges that are made to be broken, instead of walls that I never manage to keep up.

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