The other day, I had a moment of clarity. It happened unexpectedly, and for no particular reason. I wasn’t doing anything I hadn’t done before, but all of a sudden -there it was. Happiness, in its simplest, purest form. As the feeling washed over me, I realized that it had been so long since I felt it, I had almost forgotten it altogether. I hadn’t been truly happy in so long that I didn’t know anything different. I didn’t know what I was missing anymore.
If I look back, I honestly cannot tell you a time when I felt this way. I think maybe I never have, even as a child. For the first time, I am becoming the person that I want to be. I feel truly accepted and loved. For the first time in my entire life, the weight of my existence is not looming over my head throughout each day. I feel free. I feel alive. I feel like as long as I keep living my life without fear and without restrictions- I can stay this way forever.
Less than a year ago, I could not come up with one good reason why I should stay alive. Now, I can’t think of one good reason to be sad. Because every morning I wake up, and I get to paint the picture for what I want the day to look like. I get to decide who I want to be today and everyday. And I don’t have to apologize to anyone for it. Because what I’m learning is that I’m actually not as bad as I once believed. I’m actually exactly who I’m supposed to be. I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m good. I’m enough.
Photo: my uncle, cousin, aunt and myself (left to right)